Rising Up: My Retreat Reflection

I went on this retreat looking for my blind spots. I had a feeling they were there, and I was right. I just never expected that who I actually am was one of them.

 

 

This is hands down the most common feedback I receive from clients about the work I do. 

 

I get them. I capture who they really are. I see past all the padding and noise and get right down to their essence so they can build their business from there.

 

I’ve always had a lot of pride in how self-aware I am. How deeply I know who I am and who I’m not. Last week, on retreat in the Canadian rocky mountains, I had the sobering awakening that I hadn’t been truly seeing myself. I had been operating from an outdated and inaccurate idea of who I was.

 

I’m going to attempt to share my experience, shifts, and takeaways.

 

Fully and properly capturing this five day journey feels impossible. It’s a lot to put down in writing without getting really long-winded and self-indulgent. I’m going to risk it, anyways, because there are so many things I want to so badly to get down in writing, share, and shout out loud.

 

I want to talk about meeting six of my clients in person after 7 years of mostly remote work. The fear of what they’d think of me, my body, my style, my behaviour as a normal person instead of the “expert” on the other side of the zoom call. I want to sing the praises of my clients Nadine and Derek and how they created one of the most welcoming, safe, loving, accepting, and playful group dynamics I’ve ever experienced. How they modelled to me exactly the kind of leader, partner, and human I want to be and how I’m more fired up and honoured than ever to be on their branding team.

 

I want to open up about how rarely I leave my home and how departing for a full week was terrifying to me. How I deal with headaches regularly and the fear of getting them in social situations has made me slowly slip into a rigid and fear-driven way of being in my life. My very small, boxed, headache-ruled life. And how, for the first time in years, I experienced something very different. I realized the headaches don’t scare me nearly as much as the fear of letting people down because of them. I realized it was my relationships with other people that needed healing possibly more than anything actually going on in my body.

 

I realized that when I had the freedom and permission to always give myself exactly what I needed, I didn’t have to be hyper-protective of myself and ward off headache triggers at all costs. Yes, I got headaches on the retreat, but they were fluid instead of static. I moved through them instead of staying stuck in them. And it had everything to do with the permission in this environment to take care of me and know that I wasn’t letting anybody down.

 

I want to talk about conditioning. And how this experience was really all about seeing my stories in a way I haven’t done in years, maybe ever. Noticing the ego-driven chatter in my head that stopped me from really listening and making real connection because I was just so afraid of what they would think of me. How counter-productive that is! How letting go of the need to over-engineer and anticipate each conversation was a game-changing shift for me and now I will simply “prepare enough to be present,” as Nadine puts it.

 

I became crystal clear on how I saw myself. The lies wrestled with the truth inside of me, and I finally saw them for what they were. I call them “The Lisa Box,” a box made of one-way mirrors that only I could see. They told me I was highly introverted (didn’t need or want people in my life) and that I would rather be intellectual than soft (that words like “brainy” and “genius” triumphed over words like “love” and “caring”.) In these warped mirrors I saw a weak and rigid person who had to protect herself at all costs. Someone who isn’t “too” feminine. A fledgling girl or old hag, but not a woman. Somebody misunderstood, isolated. Too clumsy to be graceful. Awkward. Boring. Plain.

 

Where did this come from? This was the conditioning – the stories about myself and the way I had boxed myself in in order to be “okay.” Bit by bit through life these lessons formed and solidified to keep me safe. We all do this. It became an obvious theme that our conditioning was something that had once kept us safe, and now kept us trapped; sequestered away where nothing extraordinary could happen to or for us.

 

And it is ALL untrue. Others saw the truth of me much more easily than I could. It wouldn’t have mattered, though, without this experience which so viscerally showed me that box. I could feel the tension between who I thought I was and who I was yearning to be. I could see my mind at work to protect me when what I wanted was a hug or a real connection.

 

I realized (and laughed at) the fact that I had totally expected to go on this retreat and develop new plans and strategies for my life from that very box. Instead, I’ve begun to break down the box. I realize that no strategy would have worked until I learned that the most important thing for me was to actually LET PEOPLE IN. To stop editing and over-engineering who I thought I needed to be and answer the craving I was having for real connection and lasting relationships. 

 

This was a complete 180 for me. Relationships were my true blind spot. I held things like strategy and smart ideas as king, and everything else fell underneath their reign. I was so wrong. Deep down I knew that anything I came up with would have a cap on it. That bold visions were impossible for me from that isolated box where I tried to do everything alone.

 

Labels are a big part of my work. Knowing who and what you are should be freeing! But the truth is that each and every one of us has a box with labels that are the results of old stories and conditioning. We lean into these labels for safety instead of expression and connection. For me, introvert is one of those words.

 

Yeah, conditioning was a big one. It was THE big one.

 

But there is still more. I want to talk about dancing. (Oh, we danced!) It is possibly the only thing that brings me into my body and out of my head. And dancing among other people is the most beautiful because it bring my walls down almost instantly. Dancing is the opposite of the Lisa box! It destroys the Lisa box! It is me, fully in my body, in flow, graceful AND clumsy, walls down, unedited, emotional, feminine, in LOVE with myself, life, and my body. Dancing is my teacher. It unlocks me. It IS my true nature.

 

It will remain one of my fastest and most instant connections to what’s true and real. I had mostly stopped dancing out of the fear of getting headaches.

 

Finally, I want to talk about the trust we have in ourselves, and the permission we think we need. I had no idea how little I trusted my own resourcefulness and creativity. I had to battle the instinct to say “no” to many things leading up to and during this experience, including going on the retreat in the first place. It was all fear that I couldn’t handle whatever happened when I got there. The fear that I would need something and have to ask for help, permission, or space to make myself okay again.

 

One of the absolute highlights of the retreat was a hike I was very close to saying no to. I realized that behind the “no” was simply a lack of trust in myself. Fear of having to ask for what I needed at any point – to go slower, to take a break, to turn back, to eat something. Fear that what I needed wouldn’t be allowed. You know what that really was? Fear that I wouldn’t have the strength to speak up for myself, my body, and what I needed in the moment. 

 

Very valid fear. I’ve lacked the strength before. I’ve kept quiet many times at the expense of my health and what I needed. And this environment, this group, these people were different. I am so grateful for this experience where everything was allowed and supported. Where we got to take care of ourselves, no permission needed. Where I learned to trust and lead my beautiful body instead of push her and “prove” I could do it.

 

I’ve never felt myself change in real-time like this before. I know that I AM a different person than the one who left for the retreat. Or, more accurately, I’m the true one. The real Lisa without the conditioning and the “box.” I don’t know how this works from here, and am constantly needing to reach back into the experience to make it feel real and remember what I learned. Writing this out is part of my processing and internalizing it all. 

 

 

The real world is still a demanding place that will judge me and tell me what I can and cannot do. 

 

But I’ve seen what’s possible. And I’ve seen what’s true. The walls of the box are down, and I’m replacing fear of that vulnerability with genuine curiosity. Where might this lead me next?

 

If you’ve read all of this, I am truly grateful. I sat down to write it purely for me, with the knowing that I would have to share it for my own sense of bravery and integrity. That the relationships I’m craving begin with sharing the unedited truth of who I am and stories in my life I treasure most. I’m saying “this is me.” And, if you want to connect and deepen our friendship, I welcome it with open arms. 

 

If you’re a business owner and curious about the retreat, you can contact me and I’ll happily make an introduction to Nadine and Derek. They are rare gems and they truly change lives. They’ve changed mine. I love them.